Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Comfort vs Spark

We're married at such a young age. At that times, we've found ourselves as a best friend who can talk about anything. We both had a difficult period growing up as an adult. So, basically that marriage was meant as a sanctuary for our soul. I was comforting her, and she was comforting me. We then had a son. And after years we lived together, there was one thing that missing: love.

I know that some people said love is overrated, that marriage is about committed to someone who comfort you. In our case, this comfort feeling is abundant, yet in years of our marriage I started to feel that we lacked one little thing: spark. You know, that butterfly in the stomach feeling when you see or being around her, jealousy when she with someone else, miss her if you hadn't see her for a while, wondering why she acts strange, and so on.

We felt so comfortable so that we never had an argument in that years. We trust each other so much so that we never felt jealous when one of us had a meeting with our friends and went home late.

Then I started to see someone else. I'm not particularly interested to set up another relationship actually. I'm just looking for a spark that I didn't found in my marriage. At that time I began to thought that our marriage has failed us. Even sex didn't give us pleasure. "It was like eating your favorite foods on top of huge garbage pile."

"I want to divorce," I said. "Why?" she was shocked and puzzled. It takes weeks to explain that the reason was I didn't love her and she didn't love me. After month of divorce trial, we were finally separated. But since we started as a best friend, we still seeing each other for business matters. Even some of our colleagues didn't realize that we have been divorced.

Then each of us remarried with someone else. Now I'm marrying a woman who I have this much sparks. But the thing is, you have to trade spark with comfort. We argue over small things as much as we enjoy of being together. I'm jealous when she said that her ex was attending high school reunion. She's questioning me if I had business meeting with female colleagues. Nevertheless, implicitly we admitted that we're craving for quality time. She texts me when I'm not around home for a while, and I phone her when she's working overtime.

I'm happy with my marriage now, and so does my ex wife. After she married with his new husband, she started to wear make up and her outfit improves a lot. She looks younger also. Another impact is our son has a positive impression whenever he discusses about his parents.

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I'm marrying a man who I've been dated for around eight years. All these years he always understand me, trusts me, and I never heard him complain. He's a man that gives me comfort and security. But, I started to sense something wrong when I find myself didn't like to have sex with him. I even hate to have sex. I don't know why.

A year after my son born, I began to see other guys. I just want to have a joy of feeling that thrill again. I even looking for a job posting far away from here so that I have a reason to distance from him. Marriage and raising a child is tough. It's tougher if your marriage doesn't has enough sparks. Spark is like a fuel to marriage. Without it, you don't have enough energy to sail through.

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I favor spark over comfort. That's why I choose you.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Benih di Ladang Hati

Seperti tanaman, itulah cintamu
Kau tanam benihnya di ladang hatimu
Setiap detik kau tunggui benih itu
Kau saksikan akarnya tumbuh siap menerjang setiap laju

Kau airi dari setiap tetesan air mata
Agar bertahan dari kerontang yang mendera
Tangan-tangan penuh luka kau bentangkan
Untuk melindungi dari angin yang menerpa

Lalu dia yang kepadanya tanaman itu kau persembahkan
Datang dan bertanya
Sejujurnya aku terganggu oleh keberadaan tanamanmu
Maukah kau bunuh itu?

Aku akan lakukan apa pun untukmu, pikirmu
Bahkan yang tak mungkin pun engkau mau

Kau petik satu demi satu daunnya
Kau pangkas setiap inci batangnya
Kau cabut setiap helai akarnya
Kau biarkan mengering dan merana
Akhirnya kau bakar mereka
Dan ke laut kau sebarkan abunya

Hingga suatu saat tiada lagi di hatimu jejak dirinya
Dengan wajahnya yang selalu cantik dia datang tiba-tiba

Aku merindukan teduhnya tanamanmu itu
Maukah kau hidupkan kembali untukku?

Aku akan lakukan apa pun untukmu, pikirmu
Bahkan yang tak mungkin pun engkau mau

Bisakah kau bantu kumpulkan serpihan abu di lautan luas? tanyamu
Akan aku dayungkan sampan untukmu
Dan dia pun tersedu di bahumu
Tapi itu tiada arti lagi bagimu